Hardest ever
in the middle of the night
my brain is taking part in a rough fight
I cannot sleep
all I want to do is weep
lost in my own creation
trying to sort out my every sensation
is this the road given to me?
will it set me free?
only I could find the answer to that
when on this my chair I sat
crying tears and shivering in every body part
and swirling thoughts were haunting my heart
I'm about to lose myself into the ocean cold
hanging onto the last thread to hold
no now is not the time to be a fool
to let feelings rule
I need to find safety before it is too late
to not just sit around and wait
I need to take matters in my own hand
hoping others will be there to understand
because alone I will not succeed
I need my family and friends- yes very much indeed
because many times I will fall
crawling on the pavement feeling oh so small
so you see I need the help from you
to make it through
2/1-08 2.30 am
Night time
voices
noises
not your choices
sadness
madness
afraid of happiness
torn
forlorn
longing to get reborn
silent
distant
in life for rent
misplaced
disgraced
many a fear faced
shoved
loved
heard by a listener above
sorrow
tomorrow
sunshine to borrow
be
free
one day you will see
friend
bend
helping hand send
you
view
a day brand new
7/1-08
Time circle
as the day came
with feelings of shame
life would never ever be the same
as the night arrived
with emotions revived
renewed - they all survived
as the hours went by
loneliness in a silent cry
consumed by one word... why?
as the moon came to shine
expressions to decline
not at all feeling fine
as the stars spread their light
speaking with a voice of fright
searching for love's delight
as the sun emerged in the sky
in crucial need of a reply
air exhaled with a loud sigh
as the time is constantly running
the soul awaits the brightening
leading straight to the opening
8/1-08
Weak
down I am falling
I can hear depression calling
it knows my name
after old days just the same
weak and out of power
like a faded dead flower
I try to stay away from pain
find the ways to stay sane
the tears are no strangers to me
if only they could set me free
for now their drops are dry
all I feel is numbness without a cry
20/1-08
Dart in heart
poetic words gone away
in need for them to stay
hurt inside a wounded heart
hit by a sharp dart
no explanation to this pain
it is just there to remain
please - embrace me keep me warm
help me ride out this storm
hiding in a shell
I think you know it well
afraid of the light
because it might not be right
to believe in words of love and care
one day - I hope I dare
27/1-08
Split image
broken glass
mirror's reflection
face in hiding
thoughts colliding
sun bright
internal fight
distant voices
disturbing noises
here, there
and everywhere
28/1-08
Words?
the words are no longer the same
they all seem far too lame
no way to ever express
how I feel in this internal distress
I can hear my own mental sigh
trying hard to keep my eyes dry
behind a wall of crashing emotions
feeling sick of all accusations
coming from the outside
as well as from my own brain's lethal joyride
10/2-08
If love was…
if love was a flower
a colourful visible power
would you pick it to share with me
if love was an ocean
caressing the human body with its motion
would you take me to the shore
if love was a dance
rhythmic like an ongoing trance
would you hold me tight on the dance floor
if love was a vision
luring the eyes into submission
would you let me see
if love was a puffed up soft summer cloud
smoothly swaying making the sky feel proud
would you kiss me tenderly breathing the summer breeze
13/2-08
Frozen flowers
in the morning glory everything is new
the air in the sky and the glittering dew
hours in sleeping mode to refresh
the human being - heart, mind and flesh
this is my morning story as I sit here all alone
just got inside from the winter cold - freezing to the bone
as I look out through my window
the sun shows its magnificent glow
everything is still... silently coming awake
the frozen flowers greeted us with colours by mistake
now they are standing there fighting for survival
depending on yet another revival
time has gone out of our hand
interrupted by those who do not understand
thoughtless or greedy - using everything they can
the flowers of Earth owned by God - not man
a gift... a home... a precious garden of love
rain, snow and sunshine sprinkled from above
the perfect combination of elements provided for you and me
spreading joy and warmth - teaching us things we can not see
one day soon - a change will take place
our future be saved on Earth in space
the flowers blooming in springtime like before
no more worries anymore
15/2-08
Sigh
silence - I embrace thee
thou art my wish of today
numbness... heavy footsteps
I fall under thee
21/2-08
My house
lost in my own house of walls and ceiling
trying to find my room and happiness stealing
tight tight everything is closing in on me
I am left astray... alone and longing to flee
thick is the window glass separating my being from the outside
a vision... a mirage... still I cannot hide
my eyes they see
but my brain refuses to agree
leaving a hole of confusion and distress
in a life far far from success
5/3-08
I fall…
if I turn around and look you straight in the eye
I know I will for sure drown with a deep sigh
passion through the mirror of our souls
as we keep on playing our lead roles
emotions crashing distinctly against the walls of my heart
caused by the sight of a sphere of precious art
I fall... fall... fall... in love all over again
then quickly I disappear back into my den
wounded by my own being - like a bleeding prey
crying my lonely tears as I fight to breakaway
9/3-08
Sick of…
so sick of being me
never ever able to flee
get away from my own creation
instead I'm chained without redemption
throwing myself into the deep ocean
trying to drown my unwanted emotion
somehow it floats up to the surface again
over and over... never to give up... like an headless running hen
not ready to obey no matter what I say
no no... forcing me to walk its way
still I wake up every morning after a short night
after dreams haunting my mind and soul... yet again... to fight
what if I can't do it no more
if I am sick of this battle... exhausted all the way into the core
then how do I keep on for much longer?
my body is tired and my heart is still... as I wish I was stronger
14/3-08
STOP!
one single drop
STOP!
one more
then it begins to pour
STOP!
the floodgate open wide
no where to turn to avoid this ride
STOP!
forced into the depth down under
currents ripping and tearing - no room for a wonder
STOP!
pulled out to sea
struggling to break free
STOP!
cold water filling my lungs so fast
how much longer will this last?
STOP!
and it stopped...
16/3-08
The Sentence
waking up in the early morning hour
not exactly jumping into the shower
the night was long but yet too short
in The Kingdom of Nightmares... judged in court
the punishment is sleeplessness
causing both body and mind deep distress
thoughts swirling around like a never ending story
the sun is up... I try to see its shiny glory
1 / 4-08
Future
sitting here this grey and gloomy day
awaiting the future when I can say:
- I am not sick in any way!
with true hope I pray
knowing all this misery is not to stay
if my life would be like this for always
who would I be under the burning sun rays?
no one… tiny and small
faded like a rose hanging on the wall
the colour would be long gone
looking like the ugly duckling who was a swan
I rest my many thoughts in the power of his hand
in deep faith that he will show us a future ever so grand
day by day… hour by hour… minute by minute
worries and sorrow... ready to hit
the original purpose so different from this
I will force my feet to keep walking towards eternal bliss
some days are heavy like a cloud filled with rain
all I want to do is complain
others are like a walk in the flowery park
a friendly soothing atmosphere to retrieve that certain spark
together with the ones I love and hold close to my heart
I will continue my journey towards a new refreshing start
6/4-08
Serial
life
on the edge of a knife
cutting deep
beginning to weep
hurting material
circles on water... a serial
tears of a clown
a princess without a crown
new day yet all the same
expiring burning flame
19/4-08
The wonder of wonders
sleep with sunshine on your pillow
in the springtime holding soft willow
soothing hours in the flowery bed
grab a hold of that shovel in the shed
dig a hole in the refreshed and damp soil
say me what can this moment spoil?
a heavy rain drowning your feet
muddy and wet as Earth and water meet
is that really so bad or maybe more like a special treat
to feel alive in connection to the ground in under
the sensation of reality - life's true wonder
24/4-08
Hurt no more
hurt is a pain to cut deep inside
make the human being want to hide
a word can set the world on fire
bring us down to lose all the desire
flat on ground in deep painful thinking
loneliness hitting hard as we begin sinking
search inside that heart of yours
to find a new way leading us to the sea shores
let us breath in the breeze of salty water
make the distance between our creations shorter and shorter
hand in hand
walking in harmony on dry land
healed by compassion, forgiveness and love
underneath the blue sky above
24/4-08
Please…
when you do not know who you are
how can you ever heal that nasty scar?!
the gapping wound of confusion
in constant search for the right solution
salt spread in the cut so deep
nothing left than to weep
the soul lost in its own flesh and blood
bare knees crawling in the wet sticky mud
please show me the way out of all this
into a new dimension of total bliss
28/4-08
Inner beauty
a lady fare
beyond compare
a rose garden in her heart of gold
one wish for it to hold
in the palm of my hand
the purity of the white ocean sand
if you listen you can hear her silent song
as her being wishes to belong
dressed in chains from escaped days
hurt by time in many a ways
yet wearing silver threads around her waist
to let memories walk in shame to a hidden place
a tear filled with emotion and passion so rich
like the spring flower decorating a damp ditch
if you look into her eyes you will find
a woman gentle and kind
unable to open up the closed door to her soul
carefully view her inner beauty through the tiny keyhole
blinded by a light of love and compassion
wisdom and soothing words in a wealthy ration
to know her is to hold a treasure of diamonds and valuable stones
pleasurable music in a harmony of tones
like the sensation of the warm summer air
gently swirling around in your hair
29/4-08
The Moon
your words touch me deep inside
creating a wave of emotions unable to hide
if I am a star then you are the moon
spreading its light
in the still of the night
darkness to be eaten up by a glorious candle flame
make the trees hide behind their leaves in shame
the moon in the sky
as the owl fly
high up on mighty wings
two precious things
if I could touch the moon with my bare hands tonight
I would feel electricity running through me - as I fight
fight to break free from this haunting body of universe
even so... never ever in wish to move in reverse
29/4-08
Faces
two invisible faces merged into one
nr 1 hiding behind steel bars
nr 2 strong as an ox breaking free from its chain
they meet in a room of silence in noise
arguing in the dark under a leaking ceiling
tears and loud cries cutting the air into a million tiny pieces
enjoyment and laughter echoing through the wide open doors
nr 1 standing ever so small pressed against the prison wall
nr 2 satisfying its curiosity in a row of adventures
dark and bright
day and night
awaiting the final battle
the outcome is yet to see
desperately in need of a nr 3 - a "middle ME"
2/5-08
The Volcano
anger and rage bubbling up
squirting like a bursting volcano
merciless heat and thick dust smothering the air
streaming… pouring fast as the rapid in springtime
roaring… killing ones hearing with a noise beyond believe
cooking its red in a seemingly never ending session
out with the tension - the pressure to over power everything in its way
ashes covering the glowing blood telling the story of nature's fury
a pause of silence preparing for a new lethal shower
the manifestation of the power of Earth
4/5-08
The Wind
with tears in my eyes I feel for you brave man
let me be there in your room to share the feelings of despair
who are we under the sun - once life has begun?
like the wind we come and like the same we go
so let the wind blow in full action
to view all the beauty of life's attraction
here and now with full force
let the vivid air in movement touch each other's souls
hand in hand fly around in harmony like the soft summer breeze
sometimes stronger
sometimes less
the future will be there even if the wind turns all calm
a new beginning He holds in his mighty palm
the wind... in full strength or sleeping mode
it will always return with its different faces
For my friend Mark
10/5-08
In my heart
to drink thy love
in hunger for thy kisses
to call out thy name
view thy creation in rays of light
embrace me with arms of compassion
because thou art in my heart
for all eternity
12/5-08
Over and over…
who am I in sin
is this my battle to win
to be whole and complete
that invisible day to greet
will I lose myself over and over
like the waves crushing against the cliffs of Dover
falling falling falling
is this my true calling
been hit to the dark cold soil
in deepest turmoil
once again... and again... and again
and then???
25/5-08
Low battery warning
power low
movement slow
lights are faded
totally jaded
one more minute
final drop of energy and that is it
time to trade me in
cause I can no longer be within
this life has passed
recharge me fast
31/5-08
The Hunted
sobbing with my forehead buried in the palm of my hand
time goes and heavy tears they keep on falling
heart shrinking due to the pressure of emotions never relieved
one more day... one more night...
always "one more"... even though it hurts into my very core
hiding from my very own creation... my flesh... my soul
no way out of this nightmare... no door... no window...
trapped like a prey ready to get killed by powerful merciless jaws
eaten... to never be seen again
3/6-08
Always the girl
once upon a time there was a girl
who got caught in life's swirl
nowhere to run
not at all fun
she saw the things no other could see
they made it even harder for her to break free
time passed so slowly for this sad soul of a young woman
tormented in turmoil she crawled deeper and deeper into her den
alone in the darkness she sat crying tears for no one to know
because she had been hit with blow after blow
the old wound still visible and the scar almost as sharp as right after the cut
once and for all the door was shut
14/6-08
I want to give up
I want to give up
not to stand up
give me a reason to walk
a purpose to talk
I want to give up
not to stand up
so tired of this fight
where is life's delight?
I want to give up
not to stand up
alone with my thoughts I sink
thirsty for something refreshing to drink
I want to give up
not to stand up
my tears heavy and transparent
in deep need of love like an infant
I want to give up
not to stand up
see my face in sadness
view my soul in distress
I want to give up
not to stand up
invisible in my creation of weakness
layer after layer to undress
I want to give up
The Pen
the pen in your hand
a journey to fantasy land
flowers and gardens in preciousness
with words you find the way to undress
you use me
you abuse me
hold me too tight
write about the constant fight
letters upon letters filled with tears and cries
sometimes I scream due to all the lies
you use me
you abuse me
sharp and refreshed I let you write some more
write write and write until you have eaten up my core
silence is not my friend
the end
23/6-08
Dreamland
I want to lay myself down on a flowery bed
roses… orange, white, pink, yellow and red
bury my nose in the fragrance of summertime
as I listen to your soft voice whispering words of rhyme
slowly I fall asleep in the arms of pure love
accompanied by birds singing on tree branches up above
Dreamland - come take me for a ride on your rainbow
the dancing deer by the waters running high and low
bathing without a single thread
no fear… nothing to dread
free as the hawk flying high amongst the mighty trees
with its sharp vision everything it sees
you tiny little mouse run fast… even faster!!!
or else this will become your final disaster
still - nature is true - so let it be…!
to survive might not always be to flee
wild horses drinking by the riverside
long manes… their eyes to hide
thirsty for life - running scared
no boundaries - not to be shared
a herd in its own pace
they all run like the wind into the horizon
nothing to leave behind - to abandon
Dreamland - come back to find me soon again, I beg of you!
to ease my burden… to look beyond what is true
23/6-08
