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Changes

funny how life plays tricks on you

one day happy the next blue

the golden love in your hand

suddenly turns to sand

smiling face in joyfulness

crying tears in hopelessness

changes ruling it all

this hour free… the next up against the wall

grab a hold of what you have right now

tomorrow you might get forced to your knees to bow

24/6-08

Struck by depression…

eat me

defeat me

then spit me out

step on me as I scream and shout

drag me by my hair

my skin ripped and the smell of blood spread into the air

leave me to bleed from head to toe

after you've struck me with a final blow

someone walking along on the cobblestone ground

hearing a smothered sound

turning to the left to see what it is

could hardly be much more red than this

a big stain of life's juice

a figure lying there covered with wounds and bruise after bruise

a hand slowly reaches out to this human being

sighing in pain and eyes just about seeing

helplessness in both voice and look

alone in emptiness like the cover to an unwritten book

hand meet hand in a moment of silence

safety and relief in a new sense

carried on strong shoulders to a house nearby

treated with kindness during hurt and cry

food on the table to soothe both stomach and mind

smiling faces and friendly voices to leave sorrow behind

27/6-08

On my own

on my own

always walked alone

even together with you

wondering if my identity was true

who was I?

who am I now?

on my own

on every stepping stone

behind an invisible wall

I wandered around feeling so small

on my own

all the other birds had flown

different - not like you and you

trying to find my way through

longing for you to understand

the things I hold clear in my mind

do I scare you with my honest word?

do they make you want to run away along with the herd?

flee head over heal

not to feel what I feel

on my own

yes - I moan

why me?

I can't see…

29/6-08

What is it?!

can't shake this feeling

empty in loneliness

my head is heavy

my feet are too

I want to let it out

with a scream and shout

but what it is inside

I don't know

tension building up

I'm ready to crack

why won't it go away?

what is it?

I can't touch this feeling

it's just there

haunting me day and night

killing my every ambition

fooling my every try to stand up

what is it behind that corner?

tears are pushing but they won't show their faces

my chest is tense

my heart so sad

get me out of here!

30/6-08

Thank you…

hurt still lives inside my soul

burning like hot coal

afraid of feeling

scared of revealing

ever so gently… you took me by the hand

led me to sit down on a bench in a calm peaceful land

your eyes showed love and care

I felt something rare

a slowly growing will to tell

to invite you inside my shell

memories painted haunting images in the air

I could suddenly recall all the despair

your voice talked to me with a soothing tone

oh how it made me feel less alone

then I could no longer keep them behind closed doors

I told you about some of the reasons… the ancient source

you listened carefully to the words coming from my tongue

as I climbed downwards on the ladder of history… rung by rung

shaking… trembling… I looked down

my face in a tormented frown

you kept me from falling

as the past was calling

my heart in a knot and my throat dry

anxiety eating at my mind as I began to cry

the first to know

about… the words, the shouting, the mental blow

I do not know my own creation from day to day

but you always have something comforting to say

I might not always have been the nicest one on your own rocky road

yet you have been there offering to help me carry my load

friends like you… not easy to find

a shelter in the raging storm to leave the pouring rain behind

6/7-08

Sleep searching

in the hot humid night

the crickets playing music to my ear

the hours of daylight fled by time

darkness rolled in covering sea and land

the clouds no longer to be seen

figures hiding their faces amongst the shadows

summer time wrapping its warm blanket around my creation

tossing and turning as frustration builds up

sleep is far away from my body and mind

begging and pleading for a journey of dreams

to find calmness on my pillow soothing my tired soul

11/7-08

Endure

with a pair of scissors - anger let out of its cage

he came towards me and his sister in rage

she screamed out loud scared to the max

he needed to calm down and relax

threw the cat into the pool

only thought it was cool

the wet cat jumped up in the air

afraid and in total despair

a fist in high position ready to hit

tried to talk to him- make him sit

words cut like a sword in flesh

squirted out from a mouth so fresh

a hug and I-love-you

you know it is true

take the bad with the good

with asperger and ADHD under the hood

11/7-08

Wings without feathers

moonlight playing in the midnight sky

silence broken by a haunting cry

cutting through bone and marrow

the sound of tremendous sorrow

trying to fly with her wounded wings

crashing to the ground as she swings

no one can help her now when the time is here

naked with burnt feathers under the moonshine clear

on bare knees defeated to view her own face in the puddle

far far away from any soothing cuddle

moaning in despair... alone in night and pouring rain

her heart beating but her brain going insane

who knows her name

it doesn't matter... all the same

18/7-08

New eyes

like a caressing wind

his hand touched her face

creating moments of glory

in laughter and smiles

with blue eyes mild and reborn

his vision clear to finally see

the hidden emotions long gone

emerged from the depth of his soul

with words of sweetest honey

he searched his way into her heart

the voice he just discovered within

spoke a language he never knew

20/7-08

The one behind

Shadow is my name…

walking on this Earth in shame

always the one behind

trying to find

the reasons to live

to love give

a part of another

I smother

screaming many a word

not to be heard

travel to the equator

then I would feel greater

merged into one

under the gazing sun

Shadow is my name…

the one to take the blame

but no - I have had enough

of this life so rough

my outside might be gloomy and grey

even so I will stay

my inside hidden through out the years

a cheetah wild - running fast with no fears

look into the peek hole and there I am

Shadow is my name...

23/7-08

Images

visions inside my head

keeps me from the sleep in bed

fighting the images so vivid and real

every minute they steal

tight lungs with air heavy and thick

am I just another brick

in the game of a fool

trying to play by every rule

never enough to cut loose

walk the road that I choose

pictures of a woman lost inside

behind a tree trying to hide

left in an emotional square

alone with scare

30/7-08

Silence

silence is golden... so they say

I agree in more than one way

not to speak before you think

the wrong words can make you sink

silence is golden... so the say

I agree in more than one way

thoughts spinning inside of your mind

a remedy to make them stop... that is what I'm trying to find

silence is golden... so they say

I agree in more than one way

the chaos of today's life

creating noise that cuts like a knife

silence is golden... so they say

I agree in more than one way

listen to the silence and hear it talking to you

feel the emotions you never knew as true

silence is golden... so they say

I agree in more than one way

sleep through the quiet night

in peace under the moonlight

silence is golden... so they say

I agree in more than one way

selective silence to really hear

the wind, the birds, the waves... so clear

31/7-08

A touch of life…

tears falling down

raindrops dripping from the leaf

thoughts colliding

thunderbolts crashing

heart in rhythm beating

birds singing a crescendo of tones

mind drowning in the quicksand

greasy oil on the pelican out at sea

burning desires and lust

heat of summer and flames on grass

running fast through the things unseen

termites eating with blind eager

blood in veins of love and hurt

river floating in nature's bed around the clock

eyelids closing in the late hour

darkness rolling in as the sun says good night

5/8-08

Connection

be silent or talk

doesn't matter... you're still with me on my walk

in sunshine or in rain

of our friendship I will never complain

I feel your heart beating and your mind thinking

the love of friends we keep on drinking

you're a part of my life from dusk until dawn

as through the hurtful days we've known

together we stand up again to fight it all

united in a force not at all small

tomorrow might be gloomy and grey

but the bright light of our companionship will forever stay

6/8-08

It is ok…

leave me this way

after all… it is ok

I am used to this treatment

from former days spent

I am not much on this planet Earth

never were... ever since birth

throw my love away into the raging sea

it is only a part of me

if I am so strange as you make me feel

we had better stop this running wheel

put my nose into the ground

laughing faces all around

pounding ache inside my brain

who am I to complain?

6/8-08

Ready Steady Go

exhausted and without glow

waking up in the morning - Ready Steady Go

yesterday today and tomorrow

always - Ready Steady Go

seeing the outside world through my window

pulling myself together - Ready Steady Go

nightmares hitting blow after blow

sleep running away - Ready Steady Go

walking on the sidewalk fast or slow

my mind fully awake - Ready Steady Go

sad eyes of blue - anxiety continues to grow

arms of love wide open - Ready Steady Go

19/8-08

Thoughts at nighttime

whisky in the glass on the table

thinking and thinking all that I'm able

taste in my mouth grows stronger

and every moment seem longer

just like a spinning wheel

all the emotions I feel

wounded heart and mind

searching and seeking to find

the solutions invisible both day and night

still - there is no way - I will ever give up this fight

hit me or slap me around

you will forever hear my sound

my words will never die

although I might cry

he is my being - the one I carried inside

I love him dearly and with pride

as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow

I will rescue him from sorrow

25/8-08

Lost direction

as the night rolls in

all thoughts begin to spin

faster and faster

heading for disaster

tired and worn out

not really knowing what it's all about

who am I to make a difference?

to tear down this ancient picket fence

27/8-08

Maybe tomorrow

oh if I could feel peace

in a place of relief

rejoice in love and harmony

instead of wandering around in agony

oh if only a gentle wind would touch my hair

sooth my soul to lead me out of despair

with a smiling refreshed face

sad miserable features to erase

oh if life could become my friend

bouquets of flowers I would send

greet every new morning and the night time too

standing under the magnificent sky in midnight blue

oh if I could give all the love I feel

the chambers of my heart I would reveal

carry you when you feel tired and weak

listening to the water smoothly bubbling in the creek

oh if I could only be me

set myself free

show you who I am inside

in you I would confide

oh if tomorrow was the day

time for all sorrow to get washed away

a new path to walk on hand in hand

into the promised land

1/9-08

Me and you… together

look into my eyes

see the things no one else can see

listen to my voice

hear the words never spoken

touch my bare skin

feel my warmth with the palm of your hand

walk beside me

_________________________

let me look into your eyes

see the things only I can see

listen to your voice

hear the words only for me

touch your bare skin

feel your warmth with the palm of my hand

walk beside you

_________________________

let us look into each others eyes

see the things only for us to see

listen to each others voice

hear the words only for me and you

touch each others bare skin

feel each others warmth with the palm of our hands

walk beside each other

7/9-08

Hope for reunion

once upon a time

there were two friends

they talked about all and nothing

their path split into two

one walked to the left

the other wandered to the right

when and how would they ever meet again

if the heart of a friend is there

there will be no worries

because the heart will lead them back together again

embracing each other

they will be together under the sun... the moon...and the stars

wandering hand in hand again...

talking about all and nothing

8/9-08

Time is running out

surrounded by eating sorrow

losing my hope in tomorrow

love is not all to solve misery

the solution remains a mystery

waking up each morning in a daze

a soul fallen from grace

broken dreams and emotional disaster

frustration is the master

eyes burning after the heavy rain

heart bleeding leaving a distinct stain

one more day to go on

or has human limitation won?

18/9-08

Broken

with a strike and a blow

strong furious storm hitting the window

broken pieces of glass covering the floor

all the way to the door

walking bare foot on a carpet of rage

numb... not feeling anything at this stage

pounding headache crashing against the walls of my brain

the final countdown... before the everlasting rain

18/9-08

Changes

the shouting alarm

a bite in the arm

twisting and turning around

to find steady ground

heal the soul of a sinner

thick air getting thinner

love is not enough

in a world gone rough

a seeker with a flashlight

searching for life's delight

4/10-08

A life

a light feather fluttering by

the touch of the unborn life

a sign in its own unique way

the promise of days ahead

tiny hand holding the pointing finger tight tight

with a palm soft and smooth like willow

a miracle in a miniature package

depending on a mother's love and care

two weeks old with his finger deep in his mouth

comfort for a little guy on planet Earth

with a corner of the fluffy cover in his hand

slowly he is falling asleep

picking up rocks from a gravel pathway

tasting to learn about this world

throwing stones into the pond

giggling at the sound created

lining up cars on the bedroom floor

in a straight row to please the eye

collecting snails in a jar

sticky small fingers to wash

the pencil to use with creativity

drawing in 3D- Volvo... SAAB... Mustang and Ferrari

forming letters to combine into words

the magic of reading... not far away

lost in confusion in a world still unknown

fighting to see the hidden codes

sadness building up inside

tears stuck... turning into anger

locked up inside… there is a little boy

pushing to get through when nothing feels right

disappointed and scarred of life

his hands are at war

longing to be set free

trying so hard each day to see the point

using his fists to get it out

to eventually fall apart

hands as big as my own

baby hands grew fast... so fast

his hand in mine

united forever - learning to live

10/10-08

The Missing Rainbow

where did they all go?

the happy days... I miss them so

always been a thinker and maybe a fool

coping with my own mental tool

now I am nothing but a tired dreamer

yes - a midnight screamer

tomorrow is nearby

as I sit and wonder... why?

how to face the day... I do not know

wishing for a colourful place beneath the rainbow

hold me in your arms a little longer

please... to make me feel stronger

I cannot walk this winding road all alone

reality cutting deep all the way into the bone

the night time is not my friend to have and to hold

not my hours to feel bold

do not leave my side... I beg of you

I need you to resurrect me like the refreshing morning dew

18-19/10-08

Time standing still

water in a gently running stream

from the blue sky shines the sunbeam

fresh air with tiny tiny drops to touch your face

untouched beauty this precious place

hear the sounds of musical water all around

feel the soft wet grass covering the ground

float away in thoughts made of peace and harmony

drowning all misery and haunting agony

lift your arms high up in the air

feel release from all despair

let your eyes go into panorama vision

to merge into total transition

this moment is yours to breathe with eagerness

nature's way of healing internal stress

stay a little while longer

consume this gift to make you stronger

with bare feet wandering along on velvet sand

the surface of the water embracing your hand

pouring through your fingers to rain back down

to reunite with the source - the waterfall's crown

20/10-08

status quo ante bellum

crying and flying

tossing and turning

crashing and burning

noooo - with a shout

what is this all about?!!!!!!!!!!

drowning in raging sea

hug me and kiss me!!!!

rescue my poor soul

play the lead role

no life spender

in agony - I surrender!

cry just a little longer

future to make stronger

faith in renewed hope

run away - elope

find green patches of glory

creating a never ending story

visions to hold in mind and heart

healing... yet tearing apart

today and tomorrow... looking the same

crawling around in shame

a burning desire

never to expire

one way road with no short cuts

no ifs or buts

stripped words into the centre

disbelief to enter

still seeking to fly free

not for me

2/11-08

The Illusion

see the teardrops on her face of despair

hear her breathing with no air

touch her bare skin

this shell with nothing within

talk to her ears lost in time

walk with her in crime

find the shattered pieces of her soul

take a peek inside of her empty black holes

who is she… this haunting illusion?

you sit and stare in deep confusion

4/1-09

Sad soul

want to yell and scream

can't find my way through this unpleasant dream

hitting me hard time after time to knock me down

making me surrender with my face in a tormented frown

tears pouring from eyes in pain

but who am I to complain?!

eating it all

feeling smaller than small

wanting to throw it up and spit it out

see what it is all about

but no - can't even seem to breathe the air

wounded back forced to feel the stiff cold wooden chair

no way to turn it all around

to embrace life's sound

4/1-09

The Beholders

life in a bottle of wine

swirling around in time

drunken emotions in chime

gone into another dimension

merged into the vivid sensation

mutation in love's creation

new dawn - today's rising sun

the morning hour has only just begun

take my hand and together we run

see the light through eyes of rain

heal them from all hurt in pain

walk along this sunshiny lane

warm and longing for the touch of you

eagerness filling me through and through

love's red to exchange the cold blue

our pathway of soft grass and glorious colours

leading us through the garden behind hedge borders

the resort of harmony and peace - we are the beholders

15/1-09

What tomorrow might bring…

out of power I sit myself down

reaching for that spark not around

leaning on what tomorrow might bring

pressure from an unidentified source

pushing inside my being to give no more

then...

"-I love you, mom!"...

eyes of love in a little boy

hurt in this world... not being like them all

warm feeling spreading inside

embracing my heart in a soft cuddle

so I keep leaning on what tomorrow might bring

17/1-09

See me through

love will see me through

coming from you and you

confusion is filling my soul

still - love is playing the lead role

fooled by a vision untrue

stuck on you like glue

no - it is not real!

now is the time to feel

17/1-09

Struck!

Tears on my pillowcase

Lost in this saddened place

Thoughts running wild

All the way into my inner child

Sucking and eating the power of my life

No mercy - no help through this strife

Longing for the discovery of a brighter tomorrow

Instead of only a few faded rays of light to borrow

2/2-09

Take me away!

just take me away to another dimension

let me leave it all behind in a faded memory box

lift my head to see only light to shine upon me

would you please dry the tears falling down my face?!

hold me like I have never been held before!

if only I could drown in your arms to fight yet another day

inside of myself I wander this rocky road

help me feel without the hurt and torment!

my heart beats for you so why is it still silent?

the hidden joy - give it to the palm of my hand!

empty I stand before you in my transparent suit

nothing to see... nothing to view

just take me away to another dimension

3/2-09

Morning beauty

every new dawning I love you more and more

if I did not know you - my life would be poor

the stars would lose their glow

the flowers fade away on the meadow

if I did not hold you close

in admiration for you my precious rose

all colours would turn to grey

my heart would not know the way

every morning is a part of the future with you

to treasure and embrace our love so true

as I look into your eyes ocean blue

I see the depth I never knew

my hand in yours as we greet this day

emotions flowing like a stream of water along our pathway

smiling lips beneath the enchanting sunshiny sky

and we both know the reason why

11/2-09

Unknown news

seen for who I am

compassionate words of love

touched by the hand of gentleness

taken aside to the safe and warm

carried on shoulders of empathy

a soft stroke on my sad cheek

fragile yet calm in relaxation

fresh new paintings...

covering the walls of my heart

reborn creation in a new coat

changes - felt and lived

11/2-09

Heartbeat

with your head resting on my chest

listening to my hearts request

the sound of a beating drum

tah- dum tah- dum…

sensations running through

every part of you

touching you softly - holding you tight

creating harmony in love - this special night

12/2-09

In the evening hour

all these questions inside

from myself I cannot hide

pain into the very marrow of my bone

I feel all alone

did I laugh too loud?

do I fit in with the crowd?

anxiety high as a tower

sucking out all of my power

a lump in my throat

no rescue for this sinking boat

taking in water fast and hard

hurt and sadness impossible to disregard

why me?

I don't want to see!

alone in togetherness

as I have to confess

I would rather have let this evening pass by

this I will not deny

14/2-09

History book escape

to never know

how hard the wind will blow

to always expect the worse

is my life's haunting curse

if only you could hold me tight… so tight

to carry me through this cruel fight

with a torch in my hand

to take back what is mine - I demand

bring me a shield and a sharp sword

compose powerful music as my final reward

see me through the thick fog and mist

show me the light for my eyes not to resist

guide me on this path of valley grass

let all misery and pain pass

drown them in that water ditch

because it is time to switch

from bad to good

from a fragile sheet of paper to solid wood

stronger muscles in legs and back

lighter load in my backpack

21/2-09

Together we defeat

through your rough battles...

I will carry your shield to protect you from harm

together to celebrate every victory

joy and laughter echoing amongst the old strong trees

together

always together

yes always

our love is stronger than any border... ocean... language...

it overcomes it all

together we set sail out on unknown waters

the refreshing wind gently playing in our hair

heading out to sea to find the secrets behind the horizon

no battle field as far as the eye can see

just the air… salty water… birds high up in the sky

you and me

together

5/3-09

Unseen

in a life where people tend to not see

fail to show compassion to set free

you grew up in an unloving world of pretence

they all taught you how to put up a fence

still this protection was far from enough

you had to grow tough

hide your heart and soul to those around

be sure not to make a sound

inside your creation was in constant crying

due to all the hurtful lying

smothered by the touch of faked love

you reached out your hands to the sky above

alone walking in shoes worn out by time and pain

crying your invisible tears in the cold rain

you thought you were the one to blame

crawling around with your head hanging down in shame

mistreated from the very beginning

how could you ever be the one winning

well... the days are here for you to be seen

to learn about what love is really suppose to mean

gentleness in the caring arms of someone true

teaching you bit by bit... clue by clue

building a high strong tower brick by brick

a lighthouse guiding you through the fog so thick

hand in hand no longer alone

stepping on every slippery stone

when you fall I will lift you up to once again stand tall

no longer afraid or feeling small

I see YOU

11/3-09

How?

eyes revealing the pain of the heart and mind

searching all the answers to find

voice weak and unsteady

sleep has fled already

worried deep into the very centre

shutting out all the light trying to enter

disillusioned thoughts all around

distorted the surrounding sound

how do you reach a soul in despair -

smothered gasping for air?

how do you release a human being -

show her compassion so freeing?

how do you build a fortress to protect -

when you only have your bare hands imperfect?

16/3-09

The phone call…

tears on the phone

all alone

scared and confused

body by memories bruised

lost in despair

gasping for air

breathing far too fast

how long will this last?!

car by the side of the road

in silent mode

world outside the window is closing in

fear and anxiety underneath the skin

------------------------

ears listening to the weak voice

sounds of crying and traffic creating disturbing noise

far far away unable to reach out a hand

painful is the knowledge - yes incredibly hard to stand

can't do a lot

heart in a tight knot

waiting waiting... wrapped up in a gray heavy cloud

wishing I could scream out loud

-----------------------

leave and let go

the answer is: no

on your own...

still not alone

continue this day

and those following in its way

believe in the things you cannot see

the future set out to free

24/3-09

Untitled

your internal pain

in every drop of blood in your veins

cold and merciless

causing deep distress

your voice in need to be heard

crying eyes and vision blurred

when you hear the wind blow

look out through your window

the air is fresh and the sun is out

so let it out - scream and shout

search and you will find

the one left behind

let me walk beside you through out the day

at night time - into your dreams - I will find my way

guard you heart in the haunting darkness

hold your hand in mine when you feel anxious

whisper words of faith into your ear

to push away the fear

one day you will be free

just to be

so fight a while longer

as you grow stronger and stronger

you will be tomorrow's beholder

gone is the heavy load on your shoulder

30/3-09